Life is a jorney

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Transformation is a process, and as life happens there are tons of ups and downs. It's a journey of discovery - there are moments on mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair – Rick Warren

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Throughout all my life I never take life seriously until I further my studies.

As a child, my ignorance save me. 

I get a chance to live with my family. My age gap with my brothers is quite far. Most of the time I spend with my mum. My main activities is indoor. Colouring, drawing, hand crafting, puzzling, hidden object, reading, playing computer game, watching tv and blogging. Everything I do is with my mum. I don't have friend. I remembered before I sleep my mum will read me a story book while I'm in her arms. It was so calm to be in her arms until now I feel it such a loss to not hug her while allah still give me a chance to. 

Entering primary school, my mind start taking a control in my life

I love reading especially about history. My curiousity is unstopable at that time. I read almost everything in my school library. I managed to read a thick book before I'm 12. So proud of my self at that time as I won for most reading competition in 3 years in a row. Aside from that, I also more active, play around with other kids. I remember my skirts got thorn almost everyday because i play run and catch game. Poor mama have to sew them. I got invited to play basket ball and hockey bec of my height at that time. But I don't undestand anything about the games rule and most of the time i just stand there doing nothing. I do enjoy playing around but not a sport that require so much rules i guess. Starting one year before my final year of primary school, I feel more enjoy living outside. I start to lie I have to stay back to study and go to my friend house instead. Before school end at 5pm, I will go back to school incase my mum and dad come to pick me up. Things at home not that smooth at that time. It is so rocky. My brothers start to live outside as well. I witnessed most of everything that happened at home. It's confused me bec idk what i need and should do until end of my primary school life. 

Starting my journey as a teenager 235km from my home town. 

I'm in situation that I don't live with my parent but my eldest brother and his wife. It is a starting point that has made me who I am right now. It was a good start at first but kind of lonely too. Sometimes I feel like I got abandon by my mum. No one to hug me before I sleep

 anymore. I need to learn how to be independence after being pampered. Learn how to speak and text without my dialect. Wash and iron my own cloth. Wake up in the morning by myself. Prepare my own food. Manage my allowance what to spend and how to save money. I suddenly have someone to fill in the role of sister in my life. I learn how to make desert. Eat something I never know exist. Sharing story that i should never told. Hahaha so stupid of me. Playing the innocent girl role at school. Become one of the beautiful girl at school bec I have mix face. Enjoy all the attention that I have. Have someone likes me. Like someone that I didn't get much chance to talk to and ofc my friend like him too that i got no chance to hype my feeling hahahaha. Anyway that life does not last for long. More than half of year but less than 10 month. I got a chance to experience something I never encounter before.

At that time life was so dramatic. Every person around me got their story that influenced me both in a good and bad way. Sometimes it feels so heavy and I'm so tired. Things keep coming and coming. One after one. It never stop and seems like no ending. No one there to guide me. I'm in a clueless state, not knowing what to do. Therefore I choose to sleep and watch drama or movie as my escapism. If i may, i would like to dissapear. Year after year I live like a person without a soul to live. I just live bec I'm still breath. I was disspointed with everything at that time. Until end of my high school, not sure what has possesed me to study and passed my exam so I can enter university.

I did it. I enter a univerity that 275.9km far from my home and It felt so nice. I've never felt so at peace throughout all the years. I can't believe that this feeling is exist and I can feel it. It felt unfamiliar but I loved it ! I love it so much. I can sleep as much as i want. Watch a drama or movie as much as i want. Eat as much as I want with my saving and eat as less as i want when my saving is lower. Play and joke around with my roomates and housemate. Laugh as loud and as much I want. Go out as much as i want. Try a new things. Dress up as much as i want. Walk as much as I want. Go out early as much as i want. Back late at night as much as I want. Drive around as much as i want. Life is so free !!!. The feeling of being free where no one will ask me for something not for me to do, scold me for something I did not do, tell me what I need to do, complain about me, put the blame on me, make me feel guilt, attack me from every angle. I could never imagine myself in this situation again. I would rather live alone and die as a loliner than be in that situation again.

Indeed. 

"Sometimes, you have to go through the worst to know what is the best." – Unknown